Stop hiding: how to cope with anger when you’re grieving

There are days when I am absolutely furious with my dead father.

He was a great dad. I loved and respected him. I miss him terribly. But sometimes I cry with anger at him and I’m sure other people who have lost a loved one have done that too.

Grief takes you through all kinds of emotions, directed at a confusing range of people and things. It can be so confusing, this feeling where I ache for the days when he was alive and life was normal, while being so angry at him for dying that I feel white hot.

When someone dies you can’t have it out with them anymore. There are no friendly disagreements, no real fights and no reconciliation afterwards. Perhaps I get angry partly in the hopes that he would somehow be there to argue back at me, because he loved having the last word. I know I’m angry that he didn’t go to the doctor when worrying symptoms came up. But sometimes I feel guilty for being angry at all. After all, he’s my Dad and he’s gone. I should only feel love and sadness about this whole horrible situation.

Grief is confusing, so take time to understand yours

I’m no expert on grief, but I want to let anyone out there who is struggling with it know that it’s okay to be angry and confused. It’s part of grief, and you may experience it at random times, for strange reasons or no reason at all. Don’t worry, it doesn’t mean you hate the person you lost.

Acknowledge that you are angry, and try to dig into why that is. Sometimes it’s just the confusion of grief, other times there’s actually something bothering you. Identifying what it is that is causing the anger is a great first step to healing. Depending on what you see as causing the anger, it may help to seek professional help or talk to a trusted loved one about your feelings.

Burying your feelings won’t make them go away

Don’t bury the feelings or push them away. That’s a short term solution that can cause even more pain later on. I’m prone to shoving things away so I don’t ‘look weak’ and so I can carry on being a ‘high achiever’, not letting my grief stop me doing things. Firstly, ‘looking weak’ is utter rubbish. What’s weak about mourning a loss as great as a father? I logically know this, but it’s taking some work on my part to really take this to heart and put it into practice.

Talk to someone about what you’re feeling. Acknowledge it to yourself. Allow yourself time to cry, or hide or whatever you need. My Mum was telling me about ‘cave days’ for grieving people. This is a day where you take a day to just do whatever you need. Maybe that’s staying in bed all day or taking leave to a whole day of bush walking.

Whatever it is you feel you need, take that time to feel all the feelings. Go out into nature and yell at the person you lost. You know what you need, so go do it. I’ve occasionally taken a day of leave to give myself a long weekend so I can have a bit of space, especially if I’ve noticed my grief is getting to me and making it hard to concentrate.

Know you’re not a bad person for feeling this way

This is just grief. It’s messy, confusing, sad and human. You’re feelings won’t act the way you want them to, just like your loved one can’t be alive like you want them to. While you shouldn’t ignore how you’re feeling, you also don’t have to be dictated to by feelings. You have a choice in how you respond to what you’re going for. Recognise when you need to take a break and be alone for a little while. Focus on not taking your feelings out on others around you.

Whatever you need, whatever you’re struggling with, know that you’re not a bad person for being here. If you feel angry, it doesn’t mean you don’t love the person you lost. It also doesn’t mean you’ll always feel angry. Dig into why you feel like this, give yourself time and if you need, seek help. Grief sucks, but you don’t have to do it alone.