Please don’t say this to people struggling with infertility

When we learn that someone we know is struggling to conceive, it’s hard to know what to say. Instinctively, we want to say something that will be encouraging and helpful to them but we often don’t know what that is. In my own journey, I’ve come across many well-meaning but unhelpful pieces of advice on this topic. Here are a few of the most common phrases to avoid, and some advice on what to say instead.

Relax and it will happen

Never in history has anyone relaxed by being told to relax. When it goes to fertility, trying to relax can actually become a whole new area to stress about in your friend’s life. She’s probably already stressed out trying to schedule in time to take a scented bath, go for a relaxing nature walk and find time to gratitude journal in between life. The fact that stress can effect your fertility is well known, so couples are usually already doing all they can.

But relaxing is not a miracle cure for infertility. If it was, everyone would just book themselves a spa weekend and happily announce their pregnancy a few weeks later. Most people who are struggling to conceive are dealing with deeper medical issues than chronic stress. Being relaxed and happy does not mean you will conceive.

Instead of telling her to skip her fertility appointment in lieu of some wine, acknowledge that she’s going through a rough time, and that she should give herself a break. Offer to catch up for a coffee or go for a walk together so she can talk with you. If she’s going through secondary infertility, you could offer to babysit for her next doctor’s appointment.

You have lots of time

For couples on this journey, how much time they may or may not have is beside the point. They’re trying to have a child now. They’ve probably been trying for quite some time. Aware of the biological clock, many couples feel frustrated as they see their best fertility years slip by. They feel their chances are only getting worse with time (whether that’s true or not). Don’t remind them!

Instead, try to sympathise with time it is taking, not how much there is left. Perhaps encourage them to think about the memories they can make together with this time, noting that it can be hard to enjoy the waiting period. Embracing limbo isn’t easy. Let your friend know that.

I had a friend who…

Everyone has a friend who was struggling to conceive but then she insert thing here. It feels encouraging to share a story about someone who broke out of infertility, but it isn’t very helpful. Each person is different, and you can’t know all the intricacies about the story your telling, or the person your telling it to. Hearing of someone else’s good fortune can also be hard to bear at times, especially after a recent disappointment. Hearing that someone else has it worse than you isn’t helpful either.

Resist the urge to share a success story. Listen to your friend’s own story, and let her know you heard her. Perhaps ask her what she thinks could help, and offer suggestions that are strictly in line with what she says.

I’m sure it will happen eventually

But it might not. It doesn’t for everyone. She’s saying these to herself even as you say this phrase. I know it feels like a very hopeful thing to say. But the fact is that it isn’t true. Not everyone is blessed with children, and no one can guarantee your friend that she will be. In the end, this hopeful phrase can make her feel more hopeless as she confronts the ‘might not’ again.

Avoid saying anything with certainty, for or against. Offer to keep her in your prayers. Offer to be there to listen when she needs it. More than false assurance, she needs friends who are there to support and encourage her, and her husband.

Responding to infertility can be difficult, but reacting with understanding and empathy can be a wonderful gift for your friend. It’s an opportunity to deepen your friendship and support your friend as she treads a difficult path.