Marriage lessons learnt from a year in the pandemic

My husband and I were married in late 2019, well before anyone had even heard of coronavirus. But only a few months into our marriage, we found ourselves staring at each other over the dining table in our tiny apartment as the state went into a lock down that would eventually last almost a year. The first year of marriage can often be difficult, but when you’re stuck in a tiny house with no one but your brand-new spouse, things can get rocky fast.

All the difficulties of learning to live with another human became sharpened; highlighted by the removal of all other people and all other environments. The sweet quirks became true irritations. Communication felt impossible as we each reacted in unequal and opposite ways to the stressors of this new life. 

I sat on the bed while he sat in the lounge and each wondered what have I done?

Our isolation drew us back together. There was nowhere to go except each other. Without separate office lives and commutes, we had more time and energy to work out our problems. 

We talked through things and asked each other more questions. Why are you always so calm? Why do you move things all the time? How are you going? The irritations deflated from marriage-wrecking flaws to their proper size as annoying habits. New routines and rituals emerged from this upside down world of a pandemic and a new marriage.

Make your own traditions

Taking time to build these new structures gave us new strength and joy. There were the bitingly cold morning walks before work, when a mask was actually cosy and you held hands to keep them from going numb, as much as for the connection. Introducing each other to old TV shows, creating in-jokes from our now limited social scope and taking turns to chose the pizza toppings became bright sparks in the dark days.

We built a subset of memories that was just for us, warming to remember and fun to share. Through trial and error we found things that will hopefully be part of our lives well after this pandemic is a distant memory. Little celebrations and small touches snuck in between new favourite foods, exercise challenges and future dreams. Building this tapestry of traditions helps bond you. They help you shift from the two single people you used to be to the new couple that you have become.

You will always need other people

We also learnt how much other people strength and deepen your marriage. Your friends and family are so important for refreshing your soul and broadening your mind. Trusted friends can listen while you vent, provide a new perspective or appreciate something in ways your spouse may not. I learnt that my husband cannot watch Pride and Prejudice with making jokey comments, which is terribly provoking when Mr Darcy is proposing. He learnt that there’s only so much politics I can discuss before I get (a) depressed about the state of the world or (b) very bored.

We did what we could to reach out to friends, so we could come back to each other refreshed. Zoom girls’ nights, phone calls with the lads, Sunday chats with the both our families. It wasn’t the same as meeting in person, but it helped. Now that we can get out more, we’re paying attention to how important friends and family are to our own flourishing, as well as being able to help them in theirs.

Struggling can bring you closer together

As the lockdown lengthened and the days shortened, a deeper appreciation for each other grew. What had drawn us to each other before marriage became more clear and beautiful as time and difficulty exposed us. Going through hard things as a couple doesn’t make them any less hard. Suffering is still suffering. But going through these trials is an opportunity to go deeper into each other. To give your spouse your best when they are at their worst.

My husband was definitely better at doing this than me. He was, and is, a rock of patience for me. When we were in the darkest part of our year together, I couldn’t see the bright side of trial, but looking back I can see that the big and little struggles of being locked up together for a year have truly enriched our marriage. We are far from perfect. There are so many things to improve on on both sides. But we have gotten over that first wall of selfishness and have begun challenging and supporting each other to be better.

Good or bad, each day is a gift

I’m not suggesting you put yourself into lock down to improve your marriage. Please, don’t do that. No one should have to do that. There is much that we missed from that hibernating year. I would say instead: make time for each other, whether newly married or an old hand. 

Take time to build routines and rituals. Be patient as you peel back each layer of your dear one and keep looking for the good. Remember that you, too, are very annoying and very love-able. Take time with friends, family and just by yourself to regenerate for both of you. 

Cherish your time together as often as you can, for you never know what the future will hold. And go watch JAG. I’m a convert.