Death is like a full stop written by a typewriter: the black end marked with sudden force that leaves a dent in the paper which you can never remove, no matter how much whiteout you apply.
That’s how it felt for me when my father died suddenly. It was such an earth-shaking shock that for a long time there was nothing but his death. Everything reminded me that he was gone and that nothing would be the same. Yet, I could not believe that it had really happened. Surely it was not possible that my young and healthy father had died alone in the dark during his usual routine of checking on the ducks and chickens.
It has been almost eight months since that horrible night, and while the darkest hour seems to have past, I am constantly tripped up by the presence of grief in my life and that of my siblings and mother.
Don’t expect your grief to follow a pattern
Grief does not follow a neat linear pattern of five stages. It does not fade away neatly. You will find yourself cycling in and out of denial, anger, bargaining and depression, in no particular order, before you reach acceptance. Reaching acceptance could take months or years. You might never quite get there.
Initially, I questioned myself constantly about my feelings. I wanted to know why I felt such a mix of emotions. I wanted to know why I couldn’t even understand my own pain. But I’m learning that grief isn’t something that unfolds like packing checklist.
Don’t be surprised if you find yourself suddenly angry or in denial months after the event. Grief is a personal experience, so don’t expect yourself to follow a neat clinical pattern.
Allow yourself to feel the pain
It can be incredibly tempting to shove all your pain deep down and screw the lid on tight. Don’t do it. To heal from the experience you need to allow yourself to feel the pain and walk through the event.
Imagine you’ve fallen down and collected some large, dirt-filled grazes. You’ll need to have the wound cleaned before you bandage it. The cleaning process hurts like billyohs, but it’s the only way to ensure you heal quickly and cleanly. The last thing you want is for your grief to fester and cause you more pain.
I often find myself shoving away painful memories, avoiding photographs or talking about Dad. I am trying to overcome this tendency; allowing myself to experience the emotions that come with these, even if it means I sometimes I break down. Over time, this process is allowing me to be comfortable remembering my father and heal from the pain of loosing him.
Make a real effort to rest and restore yourself
Grief is physically and mentally exhausting. The trauma of loss leaves you running on empty. It is so important to make a proper effort to give yourself time to rest and do things to restore yourself.
Selfcare gets bandied about a lot these days, but it’s so important to practice this when you’re grieving. Remember, selfcare isn’t all spa-baths and matcha lattes.
Make time to get enough sleep, exercise and eat healthily so that you can have the energy you need to weather this storm. At the same time, go easy on yourself when you need to mindlessly veg out while eating a pizza. In moderation, these activities are a great way to help ease the strain.
I expected myself to be able to keep working without dropping the ball once. I pressured myself to keep doing everything as I used to, partly to hide my grief from others and partly to distract myself from it. Inevitably, I ended up angry at myself for my ‘failure’ to do so and usually exhausted and emotional.
Please, take time off work. Say no to events for a little while. Go for a long walk and make yourself a healthy smoothie. Talk to a friend while getting into a block of chocolate. You are wounded and you need time to heal.
Wait in hope
I’m still working on this, but I know it’s important. With proper care, wounds will heal and the pain will be less acute. Loss remains with you forever, but it won’t always hurt (or so they tell me). I hope that if you are going through grief, this may help you reach a state of peace within the loss.
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