I should caveat this by saying that I am generally a pretty grounded person. Not grounded as in never-over-thinks-decisions-grounded, but grounded as in I-know-my-existential-purpose-in-life-grounded. But I still struggle with the occasional feeling of longing for roots.
Looking for roots in a home
I’ve written before about our housing dilemma. We’ve made progress, but then you look at the cost of everything and shudder. I am 100% an idealist when it comes to housing. Pretty sure I inherited that from my dad. But, gee, it makes it hard to keep realistic when you look at house listings. Beautiful things are pricey, no?
Practicalities aside, I am longing to get a place that is ours. The first thing I want to do is go around putting nails into walls so I can properly hang my art. Ah, what intoxicating freedom that is to a life-long renter!
I want to live somewhere long enough to know all the streets without needing maps. I want to know all the best walks, parks and cafes. Maybe I’ll even have over the fence conversations with my neighbours. I imagine them as a lovely old couple. He’ll be a grandfather figure who mows your nature strip when he does his own. She’ll knit and teach me how to make a sponge cake. I’ll give them huge bouquets of flowers I grow in my front garden. Did I mention I’m unrealistic?
Homeless in the Church
Gonna go out on a limb here, as I generally steer clear of sharing my faith. But I’m a practicing Catholic with some pretty traditional leanings. The last year or so has been weird if you’re a traditionally-minded Catholic. We’ve had hard restrictions on traditional forms of worship, while actual liturgical problems are widely ignored or encouraged. When you’re trying to find things that nourish your soul, it’s hard to have some of those things taken away from you.
Then came the Plenary Council. I can only describe it as a Boomer-fest. There are some good articles on it here and here, if you want more. Honestly, seeing old women tell me what I, as a Catholic woman, want was galling. Because I don’t want to be ordained. I don’t think women can only contribute through work, power and title grabbing. I just couldn’t wrap my head around their thinking. God gave women so many strengths, but these women want to throw it back in His face, and be men instead!
All this makes me feel a bit rootless and homeless in the Church. I am still fully committed to my faith, don’t get me wrong. Luckily for us, the Church is built on God, not on us sinners. But it can feel like you’re fighting the very thing that’s meant to support you. Not fun. But, hey, still better than crucifixion.
Where the babies at?
We’re heading to three years of marriage and trying for children at warp speed. Three years married to this dude is my greatest blessing. But still waiting for children is possibly my greatest cross.
Being a childless couple can make you feel a little lost. You know that there was something else you were meant to be doing after you got married. That key element of your vocation is not there. Well, not in a physical sense. I’m doing some work to better understand spiritual mother/fatherhood. Obviously, there’s lots of good we can do, whether we have children or not.
But when I’m being a smartie-pants, I do ask God: where the babies at?
Working on the roots
We’ll get there. One day we’ll find the right house. Might even have sponge-cake-mowing neighbours. There’s plenty to hope for in the Church and in children. We’ll keep working and get some roots down soon I’m sure. But for now it’s something I’m still working on.
What about you?
