What a roller-coaster life has been recently. Things have stabilised here in South Australia, so we’re making our way home again. The borders will be opening in a few weeks, so we’ll be able to go back and forth for short visits rather than staying here long(ish) term.
I’m very glad to be going back to our own space. Living with in-laws is no walk in the park, especially in such fraught situations. But of course, heading home comes with a round of new emotions. What if the borders close and we can’t get back? How will my father-in-law go while we’re away?
Terminal illness is a dark merry-go-round
The uncertainty of terminal illness is awful, for everyone. You don’t know when things will end. While you want it to be over quickly for the person suffering, you also don’t want them to go any faster than they have to, for the family’s sake. It’s the strangest feeling. Honestly, I used to be a bit jealous of my husband’s opportunity to be prepared for his father’s death. But now? Now, I can see the hidden blessing in my own father’s sudden death. It was traumatic, but there wasn’t this awful drawing out.
Gosh, terminal illness is awful. Just awful. It breeds this feeling of waiting for the end as a means of getting relief. I find myself wanting it over, so I can have certainty about what our lives will be like. Then I feel guilty. After all, this is my father-in-law. How can I think such a thing? I know everyone else in the family is struggling with the same feelings. It’s a dark merry-go-round of exhaustion, resentment and guilt.
Hoping to un-clench the (metaphorical) teeth
We’re not out of the woods yet. I imagine that this will be a long journey before we’re really in the clear. But going home is a reprieve which we’re both looking forward to. It’s a chance to un-clench the teeth, metaphorically speaking. Our own space will give us a chance to decompress. Seeing family and friends, walking in familiar streets and starting to get ready for Christmas will be wonderful distractions.
Fingers-crossed there’ll be more room for writing too. I’ve been running a few ideas around in my head for a while, just need the time to get them down! With Christmas coming around the corner, there’s a lot to write about! Thanks for sticking with me through the slightly disjointed content over the last few weeks?
