I absolutely hate uncertainty. I’ve written about that before, and my attempts to get more peace with it. However, it’s still my nemesis (and probably always will be). As we talk and reflect about buying a home, both my husband and I have had to face some big uncertainties. Infertility dwarfs all the others.
Our journey with infertility doesn’t have a clear yes or no. Not yet, anyway. None of our many, many tests rule out having children. But they also don’t provide any hope that we will. Unlike the stock market, past performance is the best indicator of the future here. That said, I read a somewhat hopeful paper saying chances could improve as we get into our third year of trying. Even so, it’s depressing. It doesn’t give us any real certainty, which is both a blessing and a curse.
A blessing because there’s always hope. We might still have children. Whatever is wrong might finally fall into place by itself. We might find something that we can fix. A curse, because not knowing whether we will or won’t makes choosing a path so much more difficult. Honestly, there are days when I don’t care what the answer is, as long as I could get a black and white one.
Still, I think we’re starting to admit to ourselves that the most likely future is just the two of us. We should plan for that, always allowing room for hope. Gosh, that’s hard to say. It’s hard to start looking at smaller homes, rather than thinking about family-sized ones. Of course, there are pros of smaller living. Hard to see them when you’re looking at the likely loss of a dearly held dream.
There’s also hope that we can and will have a good life together whatever happens. While we both want children, we know that our vocation to each other is still paramount. Serving our community and each other will be deeply meaningful and lots of fun even if we never have children.
It just takes a little time to adjust to that possibility.
