After all, I was a good weight, had no complicating health issues and lived a relatively healthy lifestyle. As I prepared for marriage, I was more likely to get anxious about how I’d cope with a big family than to even consider I wouldn’t have one at all.
Yet here I am, watching cycle after cycle go by without any results. Despite numerous tests and medications, there are still no clear explanations for why we aren’t conceiving. Going through infertility is a much more confusion process than I imagined, and also one which far more women than I expected are sharing with me.
I’m no expert on weathering this time, but there are lessons I’m learning that I wanted to share for anyone else who is going through this rollercoaster to limbo.
*As a side note, my husband and I are using Natural Procreative Technology (NaPro) as an affordable and natural fertility treatment which also aligns with our religious values.
There will be conflicting emotions and that’s okay
There are days when I’m so sick of popping pills, tracking charts and letting blood that I want to throw in the towel. Nothing seems to be working, so why go through all this rigmarole? I tell myself I don’t want kids anyway. Husband and I will do lots of fun things like travelling to obscure parts of the globe to climb mountains.
The next day I’ll sob for the baby we’re not having while he holds me in his own sad silence. I’ll go to bed imagining a bleak, childless future where we’ll never have a Christmas surrounded by our little sprouts and will sit silently in some tidy house getting lonelier each year.
As I swing on this pendulum, I can feel so guilty for wanting to give up, but also guilty for not ‘being present’ and ‘enjoying this time’. There are so many emotions tied to motherhood already. Struggling with infertility doesn’t get rid of those emotions, it just adds a new layer to them.
It’s okay to feel conflicted, exhausted, anxious, sad, hopeful and over it. You are struggling with something big, it’s okay if it doesn’t always make sense how you feel. Don’t pressure yourself to be a certain level of devastated or zen, based on what other people on social media or in your circle are feeling.
You can’t control what you feel, but you can control how you react to those emotions. It will be hard, but don’t sink into the sad or guilty feelings too much. Find healthy coping mechanisms, like listening to upbeat music, going for a walk or talking through your struggle with someone you trust.
Planning for the future will be hard, but don’t stop moving
I am a champion overthinker with a good dose of impatience. This leads me to be always thinking far too many steps ahead, which naturally provokes a bit of rush and anxiousness. I have managed to get away with doing this until I ran into the infertility wall. At that point, I realised that trying to be a few steps ahead wasn’t going to work anymore.
Going through infertility makes it hard to plan your future. Should you move states? Look for a new job? Buy a house? How many bedrooms? Such big life decisions are often tied to if or when you’ll have children, and how many there might be.
For us, we can feel that these next steps are coming up, but we don’t want do something that might lock us into what won’t work should we manage to have a child. I swing between wanting to just take the leap and wanting to be conservative so we can ensure we’re well set up for our children.
If you’re finding yourself in limbo, I’d say take your time, but don’t get stuck in a rut either. Life decisions should never be rushed, kids or no kids. Allow yourself the time to calmly consider your options. However, make sure you’re not putting everything on hold out of fear and indecision. There will be things you should do now, without holding yourself back in case. Remember, part of taking time to reflect is also to identify the things you can do now.
Infertility doesn’t hold you back from doing a lot of fun, meaningful and important things. Go find what yours are!
Infertility can bring you down, so look for the good
A friend of mind who is also going through infertility recently shared that she felt called to use this time to learn to suffer with a positive outlook. It struck me that this journey has the potential to teach us to find the good in our lives, even as we struggle through the wait for children.
There are so many blessings in my life that aren’t tied to whether I become a mother or not. This struggle is already teaching me to be less focused on the next step and more trusting. Well, a little bit anyway. Baby steps. I’m trying to focus on being grateful for what I have and find ways to reach out to help others more. This helps take the focus off what I’m feeling and reminds me that others are struggling too, somethings with bigger burdens than mine.
You can’t magic away the suffering that infertility brings, but you can find ways to put that in perspective and grow in strength, gratitude and grace. Take this time to find the good in your current situation and look for ways to reach out to others.
