Two milestones are barrelling toward me. I find myself in the gap between maiden and mother.
I haven’t written about infertility for over a year now. After we took the surgery route, we learnt that we had unexplained infertility, and there were no more interventions left for us to try. At the time, I was over trying and decided to take a break from writing about it as well. I didn’t want to get stuck in an unhappy loop.
Once we had the non-answer of unexplained fertility, I was actually really happy to let go of trying. It was great to focus on the question of where we wanted to live. Not taking so many hormones, supplements and blood tests was heavenly. For nearly 18 months, that’s been a great blessing and I was quite at peace with where we were.
These two milestones change things.
Time waits for no woman
The first is four years of trying for a child. Statistically, the longer you try without success, the lower your chances become. Based on our health and age metric, we currently have less than a 1 in 4 chance of getting pregnant in the next twelve months. It’s still a chance. But it’s less than it was three years ago.
The biological clock ticks on relentlessly. I face more fully the fact that I may never become a mother to biological children. It’s not impossible, and there’s still hope in every month. But it is beginning to feel more and more like a permanent situation.
I also fear miscarriage more with each month that goes by. Not necessarily because we are more likely to miscarry as I get older. It’s the fear of the absolutely heartrending sorrow of finally becoming pregnant, only to lose the little one. Let’s be clear: I’m not saying that anyone else’s miscarriage would be ‘easier’ than mine. I can only imagine the struggle women and their husbands go through when they lose a baby. For me, I want to express the building pressure and how waiting so long only to suffer that loss is one of my worst nightmares.
Neither a maiden nor a mother
The second is my 30th birthday. Turning thirty is a marker of leaving young adulthood behind. To borrow from Louise Perry, you move from maiden to mother (and eventually to matriarch). It’s a time for motherhood and the shaping of children. Of course, you can have children in your early twenties, and make that transition earlier. I haven’t.
What is bothering me is that sense of being between life stages. I’m no longer a footloose and fancy-free twenty-something, but I’m also not stepping up to next level of motherhood. I watch the women I love become mothers. I see the new level of confidence, strength and love they reach through this transformative process. They take on a huge new responsibility and grow through that in such inspiring ways. I am proud of, and happy for, them. I long to join them, but as thirty rolls around, it feels like time is running out.
I am really surprised about my feelings around this birthday. I’ve never been someone who dreads turning thirty. In a sense, I still don’t dread it, only as it pertains to fertility. There’s a feeling of being older than single friends and younger than friends with children.
What’s next?
The classic narrative of spouse-house-children-by-thirty isn’t how it works out for lots of people. If it doesn’t, that’s not to say it never will, or that your life is less full or valuable. At the same time, we should acknowledge the struggle that can exist for those who don’t find that path. There really is a gap between the maiden and the mother. It can be a difficult space to navigate.
Right now, we’re trying to discern whether we should try going through all the tests again. We’re not sure if it will really tell us anything different. I dread getting needles every month and following strict testing and pill taking regimes again. Maybe we need to pull out all the stops (again)? Or do we let it go and wait a bit longer? Do we starting thinking more deeply about adoption?
Luckily, I’m not alone in this. My husband has been such a rock of support through all this, even while carrying his own grief. Hopefully we can work together to find where God is calling us.
But, honestly?
I have no idea what’s next.
