While I was laid up earlier this month, I needed help. I wasn’t able to do everything as I normally would. I couldn’t make food, clean the house or do the shopping. My husband tried to help me and it was honestly so hard to accept his help than leave it undone or struggle to do it myself. It got me thinking about home making and how hard it can be for women to accept help from others in this field, even when they very much need it.
Note: I speak in general terms about men and women in this article, and my own experience. Clearly, not everyone falls into this tidy boxes all the time.
Recognise that conscientiousness can be your Achille’s heel
Women tend to register higher in the traits of agreeableness and conscientiousness than men, as a general rule. This makes us quick to leap into action when things need doing. Women are generally good at managing lots of different tasks, working to get them done quickly and well. Of course, everyone is different and not all women are as irritated by a sink full of dirty dishes as I am. But, generally, we are more likely to snap to and get the house in order than our dear husbands.
Men, generally, aren’t as bothered if the dishes pile up, or the laundry isn’t neatly folded as soon as it’s dry. So, when it comes to asking for house help, women can often end up doing the work themselves because it wasn’t done fast enough or to their standards.
I certainly found it hard not to get involved in the food preparation when I saw how much extra mess and bother there was when my husband was in the kitchen. At first, I was deeply frustrated by how many times I was asked for instructions. I kept wondering why it wasn’t obvious how much milk we needed or where the dishes went. But mostly, I kept thinking: that’s not how it should be done. I could do it better.
Acknowledge your way isn’t the only one
It was a bit of a shock to realise that the main reason I was annoyed by my husband’s help was it wasn’t done the way I do it. I have a certain way of keeping my house and getting things done. I like to work quickly, so I don’t leave messes about. So when someone takes a little longer or doesn’t do something just so, I feel the need to intervene. Maybe even re-do the job.
My limpet-like adherence to what I see as the best way to do something gets in the way of my accepting help. Because if the help doesn’t exactly meet my standards, I feel like I have more work to do. If only I could let myself accept a little more mess, a different tea towel fold or a slightly longer timeframe on emptying the bins. Letting go the perfect standards is key to accepting much needed help when you’re sick or overwhelmed.
Remember that letting others help us is good for everyone
Letting go of my high standards in order to get some rest is hard. It means being humble and vulnerable in accepting help from others. That’s difficult, but certainly good for me. Allowing others to help also gives them a chance to offer us support, hospitality and love.
We women need to know that we’re not failing if we accept help in our domain. We actually don’t need everything done immediately. It’s okay to rest in the mess and focus on what’s really important. In times when we need help, graciously accepting what is generously offered is good for everyone.
