How do you know where to buy your first home?

I have houses on the brain. We’re currently talking about whether now is the right time for us to buy our first home and it’s a huge deal. We are living in a very expensive city, which keeps us under two hours from most of our family and friends. While we want to stay close to them, we’re also struggling with the reality that affording a house is almost completely impossible for us here (more on why below). 

The question I’m pondering today is, do you stay for the people, or move somewhere else to fulfill your dream of owning your own home where you can raise chickens and bees without a crushing mortgage?

The crossroads

We have a certain philosophy about the life we want to lead. It involves being able to afford our mortgage on a single income. It means having a generous backyard, where we can fit some chickens, bees, veggie garden and plenty of nice flowers and grass. We want to have commutes under one hour, because we deeply value the time we spend together outside of work. The last two years being about to work from home have really shown us the value of that extra time.

In terms of relationships, we would ideally like to be near our existing friends and relations, with a decent parish community too. The icing on the cake would be to have a home with character and charm. Something built to last and to be beautiful, with enough room for several children (or guests).

Now, I know after reading that wish list, you may be rolling your eyes a bit. It probably sounds like a total dream house, with no basis in reality. In a certain sense, that’s true. We know that we can’t find a house like that near both our people and our workplace. The price tag is just too high. Hence the crossroads.

• Do we move out to the country to find a house and garden combo at a good price? If we do, we’ll have over an hour in commute time one way but we will be near our families.
• Do we give up on the garden dream, and buy an outer suburbs home or apartment in the city? It will mean remaining somewhat close to our family, but it will mean losing a lot of the things that feel important to us, like the small mortgage, the garden and the shorter commutes.
• Do we move interstate where we can have the house, the garden and the commute all for a decent price? If we do, it will mean living eight hours drive from almost everyone we know. It will mean trying to make new friends in a new town.
• Do we just keep renting, waiting to see if we have children? Doing so will keep the status quo, but it isn’t great for our finances and it does put us further from the lifestyle we dream of. With property prices continuing to go up and wages stagnant, we might find ourselves priced out of everywhere if we wait too long.

How do you compare relationships to everything else?

Man, what a question. It feels like it’s the crux of the whole issue for us. Moving interstate offers us a whole lot of benefits, but it means moving from those dearest to us. Gosh, I would miss everyone so much. The thought of trying to make friends when you’re married with no kids feels daunting, especially as a couple of introverts. But how do you solve this equation?

On the one hand, stands affordable housing and close job opportunities. I would so dearly love to have my garden to potter about in. To watch my chickens having a dust bath, enjoying their fresh eggs. To just be able to go out into your own garden, rather than leave your property for a walk. Two years of lockdowns has certainly taught me the importance of your own outdoor space!

I would love for my husband and I not to have any financial stress about our home. Knowing we could pay for it with just one income would be such a relief, especially if we are blessed with children. I’d also love us to have decent commutes to work. After all, two hours a day spent traveling is no small thing and it really grinds you down after enough time (trust me, I’ve done it before).

But then, there’s people. The dear friends who make you laugh and support you through rough times. Those people who you have years of memories with, who remember the crazy uni days and when you first started work. Family too, who are just so irreplaceable. How can you compare the daily convenience of life to those precious relationships?

Are you buying a first home for future children, or just you?

We have no idea whether we’ll be having children or not. If we do, then moving interstate will make perfect sense. It will mean giving our kids the life we want for them, with plenty of space outdoors and parents who are home often and not completely stressing about money. Living in a cheaper city may also be helpful for their future, when they want to buy their own house or get a job.

But if we don’t have children, I worry that moving away from our connections will be even harder. I think it would be a lot harder to make friends without children, when your peers in the new town do have children. Maybe I’m wrong there. I don’t mean to say people with kids can’t be friends with the childless. They absolutely can. However, if we’re being realistic, it’s more likely they will want to befriend other families with kids. Especially if you’re new in town and don’t have a previous connection with them.

If we didn’t have kids, we could afford a more expensive place. We wouldn’t need as many bedrooms. Possibly, we could sacrifice some of the garden space. All this would keep us close to family and friends. At what point to you call it, and say you’ll never have kids and it’s time to re-assess? I suppose you could just rent until that ephemeral point. Yet, I don’t know if that’s really a great decision either. After all, you could be in the market, paying down your house and earning equity on the thing instead of paying someone else’s mortgage as the years slip by.

Head and heart are both changeable

There are pros and cons to each side and I can’t quite figure them out. A big part of me wants to move. To start living the garden dream, slowing down, getting close to the earth and putting down roots. I have hope that we’ll both have children and make friends. At the same time, I can’t quite bear to leave everyone I know behind. I certainly don’t want to capitulate and buy something that isn’t what we really want but costs us almost double what we’re comfortable paying.

I guess it comes down to being intentional. Working hard to make new connections. Making solid, continued efforts to remain close to friends and family, however possible. That was another learning from covid: technology can really help you stay in touch.

I’m sorry this post has so many questions. I wish I could wrap it up with a neat bow. Ta-dah, here’s the answer! But my head and my heart are very changeable. Hopefully the right path becomes clear soon!

What would you do for your first home? Would you move, change the dream or put it on hold? Let me know in the comments.