Oh my goodness, it has been a hot minute. I was looking back over the last few posts and realised it’s been almost a month since I was able to write anything. While I thought that I might need a writing break because of puppy raising, it was actually something entirely different that has kept me from the getting back to the blog.
Upheaval and re-evaluation
I don’t want to go into too much depth, as maintaining privacy is important to me and there are things like insurance to think about. But we have had a couple of run ins with criminals in our area now, and it really threw us for a loop. After the second incident, we were both thinking about moving. We wondered if maybe it would be better to just sell the house and go somewhere else.
It was a horrible time, full of stress and uncertainty. It felt like the home we had been making was suddenly a trap. And an expensive one at that. Both my husband and I wondered if we’d made a horrendous mistake moving here and buying this house. It was so upsetting, especially since we had just passed the one year anniversary and things had been improving. With some of the biggest reno projects behind us, the house was feeling like home. But we lost that feeling of comfort and accomplishment so fast.
Thankfully, we took some time to pray, think and calm down before making a decision. We’ve decided to stay, and it’s been great to make that call and get back into things. I’ve been forging ahead with renovations which had stalled. Oddly, it feels like I’m reclaiming ownership of our house, with every apricot door I paint white. I’ve ordered some more plants for the garden. The dream bookshelf wall project is taking shape in my head. There are plans to give the laundry a little refresh. Once again, it feels like home.
But there have had to be changes in how we do things, which is disappointing. We still have to think through some steps to ensure we’re safe. That, unfortunately, will mean more money and work going towards unexpected items. It’s very frustrating, but it will need to be done. Hopefully one day, things will settle down all the way.
Learning how little we control
This whole incident occurred during Lent. It gave me a lot to reflect on, and it has made me realise how little control we have over life. It showed how much I love control. I mean, really love it. I love knowing what’s going to happen in my day. It’s great to feel as if everything is going to unfold according to your plans and desires. That if you check off all the right boxes, you’ll avoid problems or receive rewards.
It’s ironic that even after nearly five years of infertility, I still buy into the delusion that I can control things. Kind of funny really. While trying to let go of control in one area, I was completely blind to how much I relied on control in other areas of my life. And even with this realisation, I am still absolutely a control freak. It’s probably going to take the rest of my life to stop being one.
When the incident was fresh in my mind, I didn’t appreciate this lesson. I was angry, scared and upset. Peace was gone and my hackles were up. I certainly wasn’t feeling like learning lessons when everything felt like it was falling apart! But now, I can see the value. I still wish it hadn’t happened. I hate that we’ve having to deal with this. If I can learn to let go of control, then at least it won’t be a wasted event. Something good may come of it.
Getting back on track
That’s the deep part. I’d like to be up front and say that in the moment I was not deep and I was just a big mess for three weeks. Kind of put a downer on our Easter. However! Onwards and upwards. On the scale of things we’ve dealt with over our five years of marriage, this ain’t nothin’!
For which, I am truly grateful. Things could have been a lot worse. But they weren’t. And we will move on and re-root ourselves, while hopefully learning some valuable lessons in holding those roots a little more loosely. It’s been nice to see people we were getting to know here rally around us, lending us tools, bringing us flowers etc. And our family and older friends were wonderful as well in their support.
All of which is to say, I’m hoping to have the wherewithal to write more regularly again. Thank you for being here!
