Do you ever feel a little lost?
Not existential-mid-life-crisis lost. Just somewhat adrift. Slightly rootless.
Perhaps I’m being a bit of a snowflake about this feeling. After all, feeling totally at a loss or deeply unhappy in your life is much worse. But I think it’s worth acknowledging the difficulty of feeling like you’re not in quite the right place, without a clear answer about where the right place might be.
Life feels like this for me right now, in both my professional and private life. I’ve worked at the same company for over five years. The pay is good and the team is excellent. But it’s still so hard to get motivated about my work on a daily basis. We’re still trying to figure out where we should move to and whether now is the right time to buy a home. Children remain illusive.
Perhaps I’m only now realising how little control we have in life and that’s making me feel a little at sea. But I do think it’s more than that. I think we are at a point where we need to find somewhere to call home. I need to acknowledge that a job that I can get interested in is properly important. We need to think about life without children could be like and what that means.
Goodness, those feel such big questions. I am always nervous of change, and there are three big changes just waiting to be put into action. If only we could see a clear path. Even just a clear next step. The way to go is swathed in ever-shifting mist.
That’s what makes this feeling so difficult. It hasn’t been a crashing realisation that we’re in the wrong place and that if we just move to this place or if I take that new job that will improve the situation. Instead, I’m left with a vague feeling that things need to change. I tell myself I can put up with anything, including my current job and continued renting. However, I don’t want to ‘put up’ with life. Both my husband and I would like to feel like we were living well and with purpose. The problem is, what does that look like?
I’m trying to sit with uncertainty and find the good things in our life now. There’s certainly plenty to enjoy. Yet the uncertainty remains in the back of my mind and I would so love to find this illusive niche where I’ll feel at home. Especially with my day job. I’d love work to be as enjoyable as my blog writing hobby, but perhaps that’s just a pipe dream.
