I have been reflecting recently on how hard it is to live with uncertainty. Yes and no answers are much more comforting, even if they can be disappointing. They give you a clear direction, a clear answer to your questions. But I’m finding that much of my life is coloured in shades of grey, rather than the black and white.
There are, of course, certain things that are very clear and certain. Ironically enough, one of those certainties is uncertainty. There will always be things we don’t know the answer to. The future is unknown, and yet we still have to make plans and take steps to put those plans into action. It can feel paralysing to plan for something when you don’t feel you know all the answers.
Often, we make plans and then cling to them like a life-line. “This”, we say to ourselves, “is how my life will go, if only I work hard enough”. It’s comforting to feel there is a plan that can be achieved by hard work and taking the next step. I love a plan, preferably with a nice neat checklist so I can tick off all the boxes.
Plans are certainly very helpful and often a very necessary part of living a responsible and fulfilling life. We do, after all, require direction and structure to achieve our goals. But if we hold too tightly to our plans, we can turn them into anchors, dragging us down, rather than tools to build us up.
Clutching a plan is like wearing blinkers
Just as there are all kinds of plans, there are all kinds of ways to hold them too tight. If you’re single, perhaps you’ve written yourself a list outlining the perfect spouse, or created a script for how your relationship should unfold. Let go, my friend! Almost certainly, no one will ever meet your entire list, or will your relationship follow a script. Clinging too strictly to your dream spouse, you may sail right past someone made for you.
If you are struggling with infertility, you may be holding yourself back from present joy because you are too busy mourning the loss of the future you had envisaged. I’m sure you can think of other examples, where your dedication to your plan has caused you grief.
When we cling to a plan, it can be like we’re wearing blinkers, blind to other paths or other people. When making our plans, we have to learn to make them flexible, and keep ourselves aware of what is going on around us and how our route may need to change.
Make plans, but hold them gently
One of the hardest things about planning with uncertainty is that we still need to plan. You can’t float through life without making plans, yet you also have to ensure you’re not inflexible about those same plans. The trick is to hold your plans loosely, gently. Make a plan, write a list. Take the first step, and then the next. But always be ready to change your plans, as the situation develops, as you grow, when uncertainty appears again.
This is easier said than done. I struggle to let go, to not control every situation with a plan or a list. Some people may find this easier to do, but for others it’s scary to hold things loosely. However, by letting go, we will reach a place of peace, where changes to our plans are less likely to upset us, and we are more welcoming of uncertainty because we have allowed for it in our lives.
Trusting takes time
You won’t be able to relax your grip straight away, so don’t be discouraged. Learning to trust takes time, in the same way you don’t make yourself completely vulnerable to someone you’ve just met. In all likelihood, I’m going to struggle against the wish to control everything for the rest of my life. But with practice and grace, I hope to get better at allowing my plans to flex with the greater plan unfolding all around me. What about you?
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