A vent posing as a reflection, posing as a post

Gosh, guys and gals. The last week or two have been full of conflicting emotions and frustrations. Usually I try not to use my blog for a vent, but it’s getting difficult to keep up the regular posts right now, so I want to let you know a little bit about what’s going on behind the scenes if content dips a bit.

Death and in laws

My father-in-law is in palliative care now, and it has not been a good experience for him. Unfortunately, the hospital he’s in hasn’t got a great palliative care unit, which has meant he’s very unhappy there and not getting enough food. It’s distressing for the family, so we’re trying to get him moved to an appropriate nursing home. I know there are loads of good palliative care professionals out there, but this is looking like the best option for him.

We’ve also been living with my brother-in-law for two months now and I’m honestly struggling with that. Not having much privacy is doing my head in, as is the lack of autonomy and creature comforts. These aren’t huge issues on their own, but the compound into quite a frustrating and depressing mix over time. My in laws and I don’t gel super well, so that makes things tricky.

It’s all quite a lot to deal with, on top of everything else. I’m deeply dreading the death of my father-in-law because it’s going to be a white hot reminder of everything I went through when my own dad died last year. It’s just way too soon for me to face another death, but I’m going to have to. Scary stuff.

Keeping my head above water

I’m trying my best to keep the content rolling here. It’s a relief to write and research posts amid it all, but I don’t always have the time it takes. We’re out visiting three to four nights a week after full time work. Weekends are full of house work, as we prepare the in law’s house for sale. Mate, it’s such a huge job! We’ve thrown out 36 cubic metres of unwanted things, not including huge piles of donations and items sold. Don’t even get me started on the garden work.

There’s something rewarding about emptying the house and returning it to a clean, tidy state. But it’s a huge effort. Most nights I just flop on the broken old couch and try to stop thinking about what still needs to be done. That’s when I’m not thinking about how uncomfortable that couch is. Seriously, should have been retired 20 years ago. And why does the bathtub here get so thickly dusty so quickly? One of life’s mysteries I guess.

All this to say, I may drop off over the next few weeks. I was ahead a few weeks with posts for ya’ll but I burned through them when the weekends got hectic. I don’t have any buffer for when death arrives. Hopefully you’ll all bear with me during this time and I can get back to writing again soon.

There’s no happy answer to this vent, but I think that’s ok

Looking back, I think I managed to live 25 years in a bubble of good fortune. Sure, there were upheavals and struggles. But from my current position, it seems like I managed to glide on still waters up until early 2020 when I hit the rapids in the river of my life. I had no idea how lucky I was or how hard things could get.

I would love to wrap this up with a deep, inspiring answer to the frustrations, fears and tiredness. I don’t have one right now, and I actually think that’s ok. I’m grateful for the many blessings in my life, but this is hard. I’m well supported, and so fortunate compared to others, but it’s a rough road we’re on at the moment. In the end, I’m okay with that. It will pass, and things will improve eventually. Right now just requires prayer, patience, pilates and plenty of chocolate.